SPECIAL DAYS: Holy Humor Sunday
April 30, 2000 - LESSON: Psalm 34:1-8, NRSV
SERMON TITLE: At All Times
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After years of suffering in silence, a woman got fed up with her husband's drinking.
Her husband refused to go to church or to Alcoholics Anonymous or to a counselor to get help.
Finally, she enlisted the man's brothers in a plan to shock him away from the bottle.
When he came home drunk one night, they carried him to a car and drove him to a cemetery.
Then they dug a hole and buried him standing up, with only his head above ground.
When the man awoke the next morning, he looked up at the blue skies and the shining sun, and heard a chorus of birds singing.
Then he saw tombstones all around him.
"How about that?" he said, blinking. 'It's
Resurrection Day, and I guess I'm the first one up."
IF you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream--and not make dreams your master;
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap. for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:
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If you can make one heap of all your winnings;
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!
And--which is more--you'll be an Adult, my child!
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A very pious elderly Christian woman, living alone, was awakened by noises one night. She
confronted a burglar in her living room.
Immediately she shouted: "Stop! Acts 2:38!" ("Repent, and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins...")
The burglar froze, unable to move.
As Mary Ahlrich of Bloomington, IL tells the story:
The woman called the police and explained what happened.
As a police officer was leading the handcuffed burglar away, he asked,
"I don't understand why you just stood there and didn't run away.
All that old lady did was yell a scripture from the Bible to you."
"Scripture?" the burglar answered, 'I thought she said she had an ax and two 38's!"
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A cartoon depicts a man, talking to the desk sergeant at a police station.
He is describing how his house was caught in a storm,
Washed off its foundation,
slid down the hill,
crossed the main highway, and
ended up in the ocean floating away.
The desk sergeant replied,
"Okay, buddy, I'm just put no fixed address.:"
###
FMC member Rev. Warren Keating, pastor of First Presbyterian Church, Derby, KS, tells this story:
There once was a very rich man who "wanted to take it with him" when he died.
He prayed and prayed until finally the Lord gave in, but on one condition - he could only bring one suitcase of his wealth.
The rich man then began to worry, "What kind of currency should I bring - the dollar, the pound, the yen, the mark?"
He finally decided that the best thing to do was to turn it all into gold bullion.
The day came when God called him home. St. Peter greeted him, but told him he couldn't bring his suitcase in with him.
"I have an agreement with God that I can take it with me," the man explained.
"That's unusual," St. Peter said. "This has never happened before. Mind if I take a look?"
The man opened the suitcase to reveal the shining gold bullion.
"Pavement!" the amazed St. Peter exclaimed.
"Why in the world would you bring pavement?"
###
A group of scientists, says, George Goldtrap of Ormond-by-the-Sea, FL., decided that mankind had come a long way and no longer needed God.
So they chose one scientist to and tell God that they were through with Him.
The scientist went to God and said, "We've advanced to where we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so we've decided that we no longer need you."
God listened patiently,- then replied: "Very well. Then let's have a man-making contest."
"Good idea," the scientist said.
"But," God said, 'we'll do it just like I did back in the good old days with Adam."
"No problem," the scientist said, bending down and grabbing a handful of dirt.
"No, you go get your own dirt!" God said.
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